The Shame of Suicide Ideation
There’s a lot of stigmas surrounding mental health, depression, and suicide. I wish it was the only barrier.
We all have demons. Some of us know them well. Others are oblivious of our weaknesses. In 2019, I tried to outrun mine by moving to Southern California. Two-thousand miles from everything I’ve ever known. Truly on my own for the very first time in life. I felt free and alive. A fresh start. A new beginning. Leaving the past and all the hurt on the East Coast. At first, everything was amazing. California was paradise, but it didn’t take long for my flaws to make their move. My life unraveled quickly. The demons I ran from? Welcomed me with open arms. California wasn’t a mistake, but there were not-thought-out decisions that led to my nightmare. Before long, I was unemployed with my entire professional network on the opposite coast. Most of my days and nights were spent alone attempting to numb myself with altered states in front of a screen with junk food. After weeks of spiraling without being able to gain control, I realized the worst monster in my life was my own mind. It was the third major depressive episode of my life, but no one could tell.
I didn’t want to burden anyone with my problems. Besides that, my mind convinced me that the reactions of friends and family would reflect how I was feeling. Shitty. They wouldn’t want to hear it, not have time for it, or would be thinking, “There’s always something going on with Brian. Dude just moves from train wreck to train wreck.” Maybe they were right. Every day I lied to the world. I put on a mask. Smiled. Laughed at jokes. Held open the door for strangers when I was out. Attended the occasional social event. If I could muster the energy. Usually, I’d just bail at the last minute. Or not show up at all.
When I was employed, I’d go to work, come home, and spend the night in front of the TV on my phone. Some days, I’d just sleep. After I was fired from my job, I’d apply for new employment for an hour or two a day, barely eat, and lie around aimlessly scrolling my phone. Existing didn’t fit in my budget. My mind seemed to be okay with the development. My immune system was so weak, I was constantly sick, exhausted, and depleted of energy. I had a nasty cold that I couldn’t break for six months. I should have known it was the blues. My eating habits joined the fray. I either didn’t eat a thing or binged ate chips, snacks, sugar, and fried foods. Nutrition? For what? I was living as if I were dead anyway. Why not get it over with?
Was it my own fault? Did I create this mess? Is human existence suffering? Has my trauma destroyed my mind? Is my mind destroying my life? Do I think too much? Is there a chemical imbalance in my brain? Am I just a meaningless soul drifting through this world? What is wrong with me? Why is my life so awful? Why am I always so tired? Why can’t I love myself?
I couldn’t remember the last time I had been genuinely happy. Maybe when I reached California, thinking it would save my life. That moment was fleeting. All are, but depression blocks out this human truth.
I knew that the best thing for me was to seek professional help, but “I can’t even afford care” was a reality for me, like it is for many. Asking someone for money because “you’re thinking about suicide” is embarrassing and feels like a burden that causes the exact reaction most people suffering from suicidal thoughts are trying to avoid. More frustration builds. Shame piles on. Further down the black hole the mind goes.
I wasn’t sure if I would ever have the courage to go through with ending my life. Suicide was something I thought about during my low periods in life. Not always in a sad, dark, or bitter way. Sometimes it was out of exhaustion. Tired of not being able to express how I was feeling. Terrified of what was lurking in my mind. Sick of pretending everything was okay. Afraid to ask for help.
I understood that some people would be sad if I were gone, but I was dying every day in silence. Everyone would get over my passing and move on with their lives. Friends and family would vow to be more open and honest, which would ultimately be nothing more than empty words. I’ve done this myself. After a few years I’d be nearly forgotten — minus pictures, memories, and a few random thoughts. Life goes on.
If I did end my life, I wondered how long it would take for people to discover me. Being in California and with no office to show up to everyday, I figured no one would notice for at least a week. A rotted corpse for a rotten life.
Things can get dark in this world. The mind unravels quickly when it’s hurting. There’s a lot of shame surrounding mental health, depression, and suicide. The stigma isn’t the only barrier.
What helped me start to break the hold depression had on me was the Crisis Text Line.
A year earlier, during a job interview with a potential employer, the interviewer mentioned she was volunteering for the Crisis Text Line. For whatever reason, her words popped into my head when I hit rock bottom. I texted the number, and a kind volunteer took some time and talked with me for a bit. It didn’t cure my depression. I wasn’t back to my old self, but I did find some relief and was offered follow-up chats, information, and steps to take to help get my mind right.
It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to wish you were dead. It’s okay to have negative thoughts. Just NEVER act on those thoughts. If you’re having them, reach out to someone. Family, friends, or ideally, a professional. It’s okay. Life can be very hard. Impossible at times. It’s only natural to experience downtimes. Some people feel lower than others. It’s not someone’s fault for experiencing these feelings. It doesn’t make them weak or sensitive. To me, those who feel those lows are brothers and sisters in arms. Your struggle matters. You matter. You’re not alone. We’re in this together.
Suicide Prevention Awareness Month starts in September, but this is something we should be talking about more than one month a year. Remember people you know could be suffering in silence. Be a little kinder to strangers and check in on your loved ones. You have no idea what someone is going through.
If you are thinking about suicide or struggling with depression or addiction, check out the resources below:
The Crisis Text Line is a free text messaging resource offering 24/7 support to anyone in crisis. Since August 2013, more than seventy-nine million text messages have been exchanged.
Text HOME to 741741 (24/7)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
800-273-8255 (24/7)
Online chat:
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/
(24/7)
The Trevor Project offers crisis intervention and suicide prevention to LGBTQ youth through its hotline, chat feature, text feature, and online support center.
1-866-488-7386 (24/7)
Text START to 678678. (Mon-Fri 3 p.m. to 10 p.m. EST/12 p.m. to 7 p.m. PST)
The Veterans Crisis Line is a free, confidential resource staffed by qualified responders from the Department of Veterans Affairs. Anyone can call, chat, or text — even those not registered or enrolled with the VA.
800-273-8255 and press 1 (24/7)
Text 838255 (24/7)
Online chat: www.veteranscrisisline.net/get-help/chat (24/7)
Support for those who are deaf or hard of hearing: 800-799-4889
SAMHSA’s National Helpline (Substance Abuse)
The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s (SAMHSA) national helpline offers confidential treatment referrals in both English and Spanish to people struggling with mental health conditions, substance use disorders, or both.
800-662-HELP (4357) (24/7)
TTY: 800-487-4889 (24/7)