Regrets I Can't Even Explain To Myself
It's been years, but I don't feel like I'm getting any better.
Another mistake. Another breakdown. It can’t be rock bottom if this is where I always am.
I’m letting people down. Always have. Missing once in a lifetime moments. Housewarmings, birthdays, babies, celebrations. I’m not always there, but when I am, my mind is somewhere else. Numbing the present, matching my past. Eventually, I’m not worth the hassle. The vicious cycle repeats. This time, a different way.
There’s always been this hole in my soul that nothing seems to fill. Trust me, I’ve tried. With everything. Overindulgence always leads to self-destruction. No matter the poison.
Time and distance don’t bury wounds, they disguise them. The only way to break free is to stop running. Admitting I’m fucked up is the hardest part. At least so far. Intelligence and willpower are worthless when I’m out of control. No one is rational when emotions have taken over.
Self-doubt. Guilt. Shame. Embarrassment. Fear. Hatred of myself. This is home for me. Was I born this way or raised like this? The why things happened doesn’t matter. Learning to not let my past ruin my present is the only thing that does. A lesson I haven’t figured out yet. It’s why I’m teaching myself to trust others. Open up. Accept I need help. This isn’t something I can fix on my own.
Healing isn’t linear. It takes time. Five steps forward seven steps back. A lifelong fight that may never end. If I don’t figure it out soon, I’m doomed to repeat my same mistakes at least one more time.