Left Lane Hogs Are Clogging Up American Highways
If you’re in the left lane, passing no one, and can’t see the headlights of the car behind you, do our country a favor, and move the f*ck over!
A friend of mine was feeling blue. He told me he felt like he didn’t matter. It was heartbreaking to hear the struggle in his voice. Rather than give him some corny, overused cliche to comfort him, I offered a solution.
“Get into your car, hop on the nearest highway, get into the left lane, and do fifteen miles per hour under the speed limit,” I said. “You’ll find out very quickly that you do matter.”
We’ve all been there. Cruising down the highway, relaxed, happy, when suddenly you’re trapped behind a dilly-dallying driver who’s turtle walking in the left lane.
At this point in my life, I can predict why the person in front of me is driving slow. Whenever I am able to get by the slow poke, it’s usually some compulsive phone addicted swine staring down into their lap. Other than that, it’s an old person or someone who thinks “they’re going fast enough”. Those are the worst offenders. I wouldn’t have my car up their ass if they were going fast enough, now would I? It would be wrong to leave out those who need to make a left turn in twenty miles and they don’t want to miss their turn.
It doesn’t matter why anyone drives slow in the left lane. They are menaces to society who need to be stopped. They disrupt the natural flow of traffic. It infuriates almost every single driver on the road, but especially me. The National Motorists Association deem these clowns “left lane hogs” and even developed a fact sheet discussing lane courtesy. That’s the association’s official way of saying move the fuck over for faster traffic. But according to the way people drive around me, these left lane hogs must be illiterate.
What if someone is having a heart attack and their partner is rushing them to the hospital? Too bad, Kevin is sending a fire meme while doing fifty-five. What if a baby is about to be born and the new dad is hustling to the soon-to-be mother? I don’t think so. Denise is driving fast enough. How about a single mother dropping her kids off to school before rushing to a job interview that could change her life? What if I want to exercise my right to free speed? Nope because there’s some dork clogging up an entire highway taking away my God-given American liberty.
“When drivers choose to block the left lane, whether intentionally or not, they are making the roads less safe and efficient for everyone.” - National Motorists Association
In case you missed the signs littered on highways or aren’t brushed up on traffic laws, the left lane is for passing. That’s the meaning behind “Keep Right Except for Passing.” Not following this simple instruction leads to terrible results. Traffic jams, drivers dangerously swerving through lanes, tailgating, honking, road rage, accidents and/or an assembly line of cars playing follow the leader while driving below the posted speed limit, passing no one. And worse of all, upsetting me for a few minutes or hours.
There’s clearly a left lane issue in this country and I’m happy to be the one to bring it to the light, but how do we fix it? Education? The Drug Abuse Resistance Education failed my generation. Perhaps a TikTok campaign? A catchy tune? A podcast blitz with a traffic expert? How can we change the way current and future drivers think about the left lane?
Could we enforce slow speed laws with extreme prejudice? Cops never seem to be around when you need them. They’ll bust drivers for going too fast, but never too slow. Higher speeds, larger fines. Bigger charges, more revenue, and a hard pat on the back for Officer Johnny. Is it even possible to set up a speed trap that catches slow drivers? What kind of unequal highway justice system do we live in?
Are left lane hogs born or made? According to the National Motorists Association, it’s a generational curse.
“Before 1973, rural speed limits were more likely to reflect realistic travel speeds. That meant that slower vehicles were driving under the speed limit and had no excuse to block the progress of faster traffic. The 55-mph National Maximum Speed Limit changed all that.
The 55-mph speed limit caused a total breakdown in lane courtesy. Slower drivers that would have stayed in the right hand lane before, felt they could drive wherever they wanted now because they would still be go the speed limit or faster. This process was reinforced for more than two decades and it left an impression on a whole generation of new drivers. In 1995, through the efforts of the National Motorists Association, the 55-mph limit was repealed.
Since then, several states have raised their speed limits and some even reflect actual travel speeds. Unfortunately, almost a quarter of century of poor lane courtesy had a lasting, negative impact.”
How do we address generational slow driving? You know, the people whose parents always drove slow in the left lane. Their grandparents did, too. And their parents before them. On and on. At this point, there’s a culture of left lane hogs that may never be broken.
The simplest solution is for people to stop being so self-important. On the roads, put others first. In our individualistic, “me-first” culture, this will never happen. It’s why people play on their phones and drive slow in the left lane. They think they’re multi-tasking and don’t realize they’re going slow. That, or they like the left lane because it allows them to text and drive with no one in front of them. Either way, it’s selfish behavior in an increasing individualistic society.
The solution to end left lane hogs is simple. Fines for texting and/or slow driving in the left lane that are astronomical. Thousands of dollars in fees, a mandatory court appointment, points on the license, and a stern scolding. The only way to stop this trend is to show it won’t be tolerated. If you want to drive slow on the highway, get in the right lane.
If you’re in the left lane, passing no one, and can’t see the headlights of the car behind you, do our country a favor, and move the fuck over!
Oh yeah.
My friend? He’s fine. Poor guy was mourning his baseball team choking away another season.