Happy Second Anniversary, Morgan Wallen’s Temporary Baldness!
It's been two years since Morgan Wallen destroyed the dreams of many American women by shaving his head. #MulletGate
This was originally published on an old blog on August 12, 2023 as “Am I the Only One Happy Morgan Wallen Shaved His Head?”
Gas is practically $4 a gallon. Fifty dollars’ worth of groceries gets someone twelve chicken nuggets, a head of lettuce, half a cup of coffee, and one sleeve of Oreos. Our world is literally on fire. But none of that matters. Country superstar Morgan Wallen shaved his infamous mullet, breaking the hearts of white women everywhere.
Videos of children and grown women crying over Morgan Wallen’s baldness invaded the internet. Vigils with Wallen fans praying their celebrity crush grows his hair back. And now! There’s a few pockets of women out there claiming Morgan is still hot, and can rock any look, but most are devastated. And rightfully so. With hair like that, why would you ever chop it off? Is he going through something? I’m looking at you, Britney. Is he getting hair transplants? Is he sick? Whatever the reason, I don’t care. I finally am the number one man in my girlfriend’s life again.
One of Morgan Wallen’s biggest fans, and an OG since The Voice, my lady was impressed with his vocals, but fell for his looks. The dreaded attractive and talented combo that sends shivers down every man’s spine. She stuck through him through his controversies. We’re humans. We all make mistakes. Some more heinous than others, but it’s what we do after we mess up that matters. And from what I’ve seen from my couch where I stuff my face with cheese curls and comment on other people’s lives, Morgan Wallen seems to be a typical celebrity to me. Or maybe that’s my girlfriend’s voice echoing in my head and coming out in my words. Which reminds me, my lady even asked me dress up as Morgan Wallen for Halloween. She told me it was because she thought the costume was funny, but I think she wanted to fulfill a fantasy.
Either way, she was a fan since the beginning as Morgan Wallen ascended from one musical hit to the top of both the country and pop charts, transforming into a superstar with unaffordable ticket prices to match. She likes every post his marketing team puts on social media as soon as it goes up and has even saved up a full paycheck to buy one nose-bleed seat to see him in concert. Next year she’s seeing him twice in six days due to cancellations and schedule changes. I think she might be obsessed, but whenever I try and say anything about her Morgan Wallen cult status, she asks how much time and money I blow on Sundays from September to February, reminding me that my weekends revolve around football once the NFL season starts. She’s got a point, but this is about her and Morgan Wallen, not my football obsession.
My girlfriend’s fanhood remains just as strong through Morgan Wallen’s baldness, but her attraction has wavered. Still a good-looking dude? No doubt, but he’s not as hot as he used to be, and that makes me happy.
Morgan Wallen, whether you’re going through something or preparing for hair plugs, thanks for returning my girlfriend to me.
2025 Update: Morgan’s mullet is returning from the dead. He keeps dominating country charts. There’s no doubt in this writer’s mind that the two are related. Mullets truly are magic.